266 Ways to Get Yourself Killed And Maimed
by Raven Kouryuu
Summary: The title says it all. Someone's leaving notes behind that just anger the Organization members to hell. What will come of this mess?
1. 13 Ways To get Xemnas To Annihilate You

Xemnas sighed audibly as he walked to his room. It had been a long day of researching, and Axel had been on a tangent about something, he hadn't quite caught what it was about. But, all in all it had been a very stressful day for him, and he was looking forward to relaxing in the relative safety and quiet of his room. But, as he approached his room, something piqued his interest. It was a piece of paper with something typed on it. He ripped it off the door and began to read the print.

**Victim I- Xemnas**

1. Ask him if Darth Maul knows that he has his lightsabers.

2. Call him by his anagram, and nothing but that.

3. Every morning, ask him how his night with Saix was and if he's sore.

4. Ask his permission before you do anything, including going to the bathroom. Never fail to provide details as to what you want to do.

5. Spraypaint 'Kingdom Hearts sucks' all over his room.

6. Mock him about getting beat by a lazy, not all that bright teenager.

7. Aquire a real heart, blood and all, preferably still fresh, from anywhere, write his name on it and give it to him for Christmas.

8. Paste a photo of his head on random pictures from a porn magazine, then leave the pictures all over the castle.

9. Sneak into his room when he's gone and make everything pink with lace and frills.

10. Send him anonymous emails filled with tips on how to please a man.

11. Put tacks on his chair/throne.

12. Leave a screen running on his computer containing a Xemnas/Saix story.

13. Post a list of ways to annoy him on his door.

Violently he threw open a portal and threw the now crumpled piece of paper into it to be eaten by all sorts of lesser Nobodies. He wrenched open his door and slammed it shut. This was the last straw for him. When he found out who did this, they would die a most painful death.

Outside his room, a faint laughter could be heard. A figure in one of the Organization's trademark robes walked away silently, a stack of papers it their hands. One down, twelve more to go.


	2. 13 Ways to Get Xigbar to Shoot You

Xigbar was returning to his room after a sparring match with Axel the manual way, mostly because he felt like it. Everyone else seemed to like to warp, but he enjoyed the walk, especially on the ceiling. That was definitely the coolest part, since none of the others could pull it off. As he got closer to the door of his room, he noticed a piece of paper taped to the door. It looked almost like a printed list. He jumped down to the floor, pulled it off and began to read it.

**Victim II- Xigbar**

1. Reveal the anagram of his name to everyone and have them call him by that name.

2. Steal his eyepatch.

3. Replace his eyepatch with a fruity one, like a pink flower or a heart.

4. Steal his hairties.

5. Everytime he goes out to eat, ask if he qualifies for senior discounts.

6. Pinch Demyx's butt.

7. Rig his guns to only shoot confetti, glitter, or streamers.

8. Squirt him with a water gun everytime he says 'As if'.

9. Ask him if Captain Morgan is his old pirate buddy.

10. Ask him if he has a pet parrot who's name is Polly.

11. Shave his head while he's sleeping.

12. Call him Xig-Xag for a week, non-stop.

13. Steal all his alcohol and give it to the sniper nobodies.

He gritted his teeth as he entered his room, throwing the piece of paper into the trash. Well, since the person who wrote that was so interested in being shot, he'd have to find out who they were and give them what they wanted.

Outside his room, the cloaked figure raised a hand to its mouth to stifle a laugh. This was turning out even better than planned. Two down, eleven more to go.


	3. 13 Ways to Get Xaldin to Stab You

Xaldin was enjoying a quiet afternoon in his room, reading a book that Saix had recommended to him. Usually, he preferred to read in the Library That Never Was, but Axel was having one of those days where he felt the urge to ruin everyone's day, and Xemnas told him to stop trying to kill the redhead, so he decided that it would be smartest to stay in his room. He heard a knock and reluctantly got up to answer it. But, when he opened the door, there was only a piece of paper on the ground. He picked it up and began to read it.

**Victim III- Xaldin**

1. Constantly tease him about his dreads.

2. Steal all of his sharp things.

3. Be Axel.

4. Shave his hair/sideburns

5. E-mail him a picture of his face with the words "Monkey King" posted across it.

6. Accuse him of being a druggie.

7. Constantly tell him that he needs to get laid.

8. Replace all of his soothing CDs with heavy metal ones.

9. Insult his cooking.

10. Mock him about getting beat by a girl, then a lazy teenager.

11. Trash his room while he's gone.

12. Make fart jokes around/about him.

13. Ask if he went to college with King Kong.

With a growl he ripped the piece of paper into tiny shreds. When he found out who dared write that and show it to him, he'd give them the death they were so obviously asking for. And if they had given out more, well, we won't go there. He slammed his door with more force then usual, and went back to reading his book, still fuming.

The same figure from before stood around a corner, finding Xaldin's reaction just as amusing as Xigbar's and Xemnas'. The figure walked off, chuckling quietly. Only ten more victims left.


End file.
